Hell diddley ding dong CRAP

ihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyselfihatemyself fuckingfuckingfuckingchristfuckshitcuntcockfuckfuckfuckFUCK.

I have eaten a banana and a handful of cherries today, and a black coffee with two sugars. ha cos I sooooo deserve sugar right now. Fucking christ. Yeah soooo gained lots of weight because I am a fat fucking loser, hello 48kg. I saw an old pic of me, hello chestbones. I was 43kg then, only need to lose 5kg and I will have chestbones again.

Had sex in the disabled toilets at marion this afternoon.. fuck I feel disgusting. that is fucking revolting kat you cheap piece of shit. HAVING SEX WITH HIM DOESNT MEAN HE WILL LIKE OR RESPECT YOU MORE.

For the next few days I am keeping it under 400 calories. Woofuckinghoo.

i have a throat infection. fucking great... although i always get sick, it's from not eating properly. well fine i guess i will just have to suffer through it, not going to the doctors and getting antibiotics, those things play havoc on my stomach and give me thrush, yuck no thanks.


i wish i had some meth.

im not eating today. last night i coldnt sleep so i took three sleeping pills, but despite them i still couldnt sleep because i was so starving. i laid around with my belly screaming at me for ages. so i had a vegemite sandwich (with dairy spread), after that i guess i sort of went well fuck it then (the worst part is i had already eaten that day, soup and an apple) so i grabbed myself an apple and THREE choc-coated muslie bars :( and ate the LOT, even though towards the last muslie bar i wasnt eating for my tummy, it felt out of control and like i was just eating purely for the sake of eating. then when i felt satisfied i rolled over and fell straight asleep. ugh. IM SO WEAK. i should have just had more pills. thats like, 800cals or something, or a million. i dont even wana work it out :'(

but im not giving up. today i went for a fifty minute power walk and almost killed myself, i was so exhausted and puffed out when i got back i took off all my clothes and flopped onto my bed, took me a while to cool down and get my breathing regular again. and my chest hurt and all my limbs felt achey and weak, im so glad. it felt good. i felt like i was saving myself.

i think i will fast today and tomoro minimum, to make up for my slip in judgement. 

i aim to be at least 4kg lighter by the end of this week. next sunday i will weigh myself and see how i have done. i will try really hard not to weigh myself before then, i hate how obsessive i get about weighing myself and i need to get control of that. so no weighing until sunday. i think i can do it.

ugh i feel like i have binged. i ate because i was feeling ill and thought fuck this why am i letting myself feel this sick when i can fix it? so i ate a 60cal weight watchers minestroni soup (which wasn't all that big), and then a bowl of chopped up apple and about half or a quarter of a chopped up kiwi fruit. i dont know how many cals, lets say 180 for both the fruit and the soup? so under 200. and i feel better. and im not eating anything more today. it was only fruit veg and beans i guess. and i went on a twenty minute walk earlier that tired me out so freakin much (mostly cos i hadnt eaten!!)

perhaps i should go on another walk or something to burn off this food. ugh i dont know. i feel disgusting though and i wish i could have just slept the day away and avoided eating. stupid food upsetting me. i wish i could just eat like a normal person sometimes.

i also made myself up an iced tea with a packet mix, but i didnt know the cals and so i just took a sip then put it in the fridge, i dont need all those extra sugar cals. maybe if i got out anywhere tonight i will drink it for energy, but prob not. i'll offer it to someone later or something yeah i dont think i'll be drinking it, water for me.

ughughughughugh

its too late for a walk and its too freaking cold. goddamnit. i dont know what im going to do. so fucking fat and so fucking impatient to get back to a decent weight!!!!!!

well, i painstakingly copied out all the foods i have and their cal content, then went to www.calorieking.com and wrote a huge list of various fruit, veg, breads, cereals, etc etc etc!! i have the cal content recorded of any food i might possibly ever eat! it took ages, but it's worth it. all of the foods i have down are good foods, allowable foods (although some more allowable than others)

i am going to go to bed now, and tomoro i will plan out my next week or so's foods. too tried atm

my tummy hurts :( damn alcohol on a sorta empty tummy. ah well, sleepy time

so this morning when i woke up i was feeling very heavy and lethargic and achey and my heat was beating really really fast. i was like ok i went through yesterday with four strawberries and a few sips of chicken broth, i am going to let myself eat breakfast today. my heart beat was also scaring me a little. i had woken up in the night with quite painful and bad diarrhea (i am talking completely liquid :S) so i think i was dehydrated also. i got up and cut up two small red apples and two kiwi fruits into little pieces, then sat down and drank a glass of water. then i started to eat the fruit, it was quite nice and i think i ate the equivilant of a kiwi fruit and most of an apple. then i was feeling better so i thought screw eating any more, and put clingwrap over the bowl and put it in the fridge, then drank another glass of water.

haven't weighed myself today. i shouldn't have gained since yesterday. i will try and hold off on the weighing until i think i have dropped at least a bit more, maybe wait til after the weekend (usually im busy on the weekend with friends so it's a good distraction).

if i eat anything more today it will prolly be the rest of the fruit. i was thinking about mixing it with yoghurt but realised that a tub of yoghurt would add 230cals. might try and eat some raw veggies too..

one small problem, going out to a dinner tonight :-/ not sure if i should just cancel?? i really want to catch up with these people but i dont want to eat, or explain ordering a dry salad minus the cheese. ugh. what to do what to do?? they wont let me not order, i mean i could try saying i'd already eaten but still.. they will be like well why the hell did you eat when you knew you were coming out to dinner?? plus they know about my past. i guess i could just go with that and use the fact they know about my past with an ed to my advantage, and say if i eat any more than a dry salad i will have a panic attack and purge it all back up, guilt them into shutting up about it. or i could order soup and then actually purge it back up.. tell them i have a bit of an off tummy and sort of complain about it a bit, then say i think soup is all i can handle. then excuse myself to the bathroom and get rid of it, with a ready made excuse of a bug if anyone follows me or notices.. hrm... or i could just be fucking normal and order a nice meal and fucking eat it and keep it down and enjoy myself... haha right.

stupid life. stupid body.